Don’t touch me.
This body has bore the weight of his sin;
penetrated by his darkness,
again and again.
exploring places that were never his to find,
conquering my sacredness,
defiling it. each time.
he was ‘their’ father;
I WILL never claim him as mine.
Don’t touch me.
Her anger was much heavier,
than this body could ever hold.
but try to carry it, I did.
my body. to collapse.
my body. to enfold.
This body wore the garments of her rage;
her hands. did not nurture.
her hands. were not safe.
taking baths. my only refuge.
she ‘even’ managed to take that away.
My body loves water;
baths were where I could ‘be’.
wet, wrinkly and raw;
THIS is when she chose to hit me.
and what about the door that was locked?
my mom ‘would’ find a way in, you see.
The terrain was much too dangerous;
I tried my best to ‘be good’ for.
they said that I was ‘bad’.
surely this, did I deserve.
But there’s a REASON we don’t send CHILDREN to war!
Don’t touch me.
I know you want to connect;
what you want is intimacy, my friend.
I’m sorry to disappoint.
there are too many horrors,
in the graveyards of this skin.
their hands. were NOT warm.
their hands. did not hold.
my body: IN SHOCK;
frostbit from their cold.
I know you want to touch.
I fear my body would fold.
Her anger isn’t the ‘only’ minefield,
my body. a hazard;
who knows ‘what’ will set it off.
there’s no switch.
there’s NO stop sign;
that makes everything come to a halt.
Do you know that I slept in closets?
terrified someone would hurt me.
when left alone at night,
until I graduated high school,
this is where I would be.
So please get over yourself.
when I say don’t touch me,
it is NOT about you.
this is only a fraction of my story.
the nightmares I have are NOT dreams;
the nightmares I have are true.
And who has been there to hold me?
when I awake from the terror,
my sleep. now done.
other than myself?
I’m sad to say,
there has only been one:
one that I’ve let hold this body.
one that I’ve let touch this skin.
not only did it take EVERYTHING in me,
but I was in my thirties by then.
THIRTIES before I could be vulnerable ‘enough’,
to allow someone else’s arms to nurture me.
thirties before ‘safety’ I could feel,
without my insides wanting to scream.
She touched me.
is this what it’s like?
to be. nurtured.
to feel. safe.
I never want to let this go.
I want this feeling to always stay.
I need to heal what has been.
set my body,
from this cage:
this prison of,
this prison of,
Please touch me.
I want this skin,
I will NOT be a prisoner.
I WILL be free.
I will do WHATEVER it takes.
many have judged MY journey;
you are too sensitive, they say.
why do you feel SO intensely?
your soul is TOO vulnerable. TOO raw.
I HAD to feel EVERYTHING,
to walk out of my cage.
and when i had NO more strength,
I would NOT drown in their darkness.
Trauma WOULD NOT be the end of me.
LOVE is my divine birthright;
I would claim it.
I would be FREE.
I care not, HOW painful it is.
I will scour EVERY inch of my soul;
I will bathe it with light.
I will bathe it with love.
I WILL be healed.
I WILL be whole.
I will soften to the hardest places in me.
I will look at that which I really don’t want to see.
and I WON’T stop,
until i am utterly,
WITHOUT a doubt,
I said what I said.
the end of me,
my trauma WOULD NOT be.
the abuse. the agony. the grief.
there are STILL some memories,
my mind cannot retrieve.
But, Little Kai, I went back for;
they are NOW safe within me.
to re-parent myself.
to see my inner child,
my adult self,
and EVEN my body,
through eyes of love.
I am MUCH MORE than my story.
I AM more than my past;
those ARE the things I am made of.
this journey has led me to places,
I NEVER thought I’d see.
and OH! SO MUCH peace!
I am ‘extremely’ comfortable in my body.
I love it. I nurture it.
I’m ALWAYS dancing,
ever so free.
my body is no longer a minefield;
it’s NOW okay to come close.
you can touch it.
I know that I do;
no longer afraid of pleasure,
no longer afraid,
my trauma will explode.
I used to ABHOR my body.
now all I feel for it is LOVE.
How did I get this freedom, you ask,
we want to know,
what path did you take?
well, I’ve said it before;
I’ll say it again.
it was the road not many want to take.
the one that requires you to trust?
to take risks,
to step into ‘the unknown’.
to be honest,
come out of hiding,
your heart and soul, to be shown.
Oh it was ‘that’ road, you say,
I don’t know if that path is for me.
I don’t think I have what it takes,
but in my heart, I ‘really do’ want to be free.
it’s just…. I’m SO comfortable in my cage.
‘maybe’ this is where I’m supposed to be?
Cut the bullshit. You DO have it in you.
it is not too hard,
if the cage, you really want out.
this is coming from someone who’s first memory of sex,
was age five:
a dick in their mouth.
I DO have compassion. I KNOW it’s not easy.
to look within. to heal,
to reckon with truth.
the resilience. the resolve. the strength;
that is in me,
can also be found in you.
it is in ALL beings.
we are all made of something DIVINE.
I was NOT an ‘exception’ to the rule;
I didn’t get lucky and ‘manage’ to survive.
I am persistent in my pursuit of truth.
I REFUSE to ‘settle’ for anything less.
I’ve known darkness;
addiction. grief. despair.
I’ve known ALL of these things.
pain and abuse?
I’ve had MORE than my share.
there’s a reason I’m relentless,
in my pursuit of the light.
I HAVE to believe there is more for me there.
I remember the bottle of pills in my hand;
this world does not ‘really’ want me.
I remember the nights,
scared and alone:
of this cage, I will NEVER be free.
I remember the blood oozing from my skin;
NO ONE else was going to hurt me.
I remember the loneliness,
the ache of of my soul:
is ‘this’ really ALL I was meant to be?
so when I say that there IS more,
when i say that there IS hope,
when I say that there IS freedom,
trust me. I KNOW!
there IS healing. there IS love.
more than our hearts could ever dream.
that is, ‘if’ we are willing to surrender:
our hearts. our souls. our minds.
If our souls. our hearts. our minds,
are not at peace.
then our souls. our hearts. our minds,
must be free.
if our souls. our hearts. our minds,
our souls. our hearts. our minds,
must let go.
we must be willing to lay it ALL on the line:
our attachments. our egos. our need to be ‘right’.
we must be willing to LOOK;
look at truth. look at darkness. look at light.
and if we are,
what will we see?
more beauty than our minds could ever believe!
we will leave our cages behind.
we will set ourselves FREE!
Kai Alexzander Love
Photo by Daniel Jensen on Unsplash